Princessoracle's Blog

Everything has already ends between me and Lawrence. That’s all I wanted to say here. After all the wasted time of arguing I finally giving him up. It’s not an easy decision. It was hard and tough to finally giving up someone you really loves so dear to somebody else. It was last Tuesday April 29 I finally call him up in the evening and settle everything through the phone. Yeah, I’ve gone through a very difficult time when I was saying that I was letting him go but I feel better then knowing that I was actually letting go of a man that wasn’t even tried at all to save our relationship. Maybe he didn’t really love me and maybe worst case is he actually likes that girl…maybe maybe maybe… I guess I don’t want to know anymore. I learn to live without him. I do feel tough which is why after that I accept his offer to be friends after we broke up. At least we still be with each other. I just need him to be around just for a moment to help me to get through it. He still wants us to hang out together sometimes… I don’t know… Maybe its kind of stupid things to do but that’s the best things I can do to help myself get up….

19.24pm Looks like my dilemma with Lawrence will never ends. He can’t refuse his family request and yet he can’t give me away even though I’m insisted. Another side of me was so happy because he still can’t let me go means he loves me so much. But another side of me I was so terribly sad. I was so sad because he have a desire to taking me into his scandalous life. Instead of live happily with only me ever after he chooses me to be his scandalous woman? No way. It will never be. I’ve said no to him. Yeah, maybe I still love him and still want him to be around but I’m not that desperate to be his mistress. Backdoor mistress and ruin others marriage. Please..! It was so not me! I don’t know what my life going to bring me next. Looks like everything wasn’t comes out right. I thought Lawrence is my true love and he will be the last man in my life. But I was wrong. I was wrong once again. I love him very much for god sake. Lately I had cried a lot because of him and even last night I still did. Wake up this morning also the same. I send few messages and called him. But suddenly by noon, I’m thinking of something else. Something stupid. Something that could possibly makes me laugh. And finally I feel better now. And even if he wants to leave, well, just leave then. That’s what I feel right now. I feel alive. I feel enthusiastic. It not a big deals after all. It’s not like it was the end of the war if we can’t be together. I guess I had nothing to lose but him, if he really doesn’t like that girl, mean he really making a big mistake by just follow what his parents says. These last few months started form July 2007, I’ve lost so many people I’ve really loves due to certain reason I can’t avoid. Lawrence is the forth person by that period and he is the closest to me in every single things. He is the most I loves, my dream man to me my child’s father, but that just by the first sight. But when I get to know him better and we went through this difficulty, everything’s revealed and he’s far from my dream lover. He didn’t dare to take chances. He didn’t dare to take risk. And he is the first mean that I’ve known that never really know what he wants in his life. He’s got a job and he’s got a look but that wasn’t enough for me to loves him.

1240pm Well, seem like things didn’t happened the way I was planned it to be. I and Peter were never made it out. He didn’t ask for it and I didn’t even bother either cause all I care about now is me and Lawrence. Last Friday April 25, he wanted to see me because of the message that I was sent to him about me and him breaking up. It was lunch time and we met at SCR. And I just couldn’t believe it that I was actually freaking out and act like a beast. I keep on attack and attack him with the worst words that I could think of that time. He tried to handle the situation but seems like he can’t handle me. An hour later we both left with my final decision that we’re over and I ask him to stop call me baby. I thought it would be that simple but obviously its not. It’s never going to be that simple.

April 23, 2008 Its come to an end when finally I decided to wrote something about myself and how I felt. Well, maybe it’s more to let it out without boundary and don’t have to be scare of what other people might think about me. February when I start to know a guy name Lawrenson everything does seem so alright and so perfect. Its kind of normal relationship or to be precise a normal love that I believe others also has gone through at first. But then, lately he said something about his mom wanted him to engage with other girl. And that keeps on bothering me. I can’t keep my mind out of that. I started to think why after all that we already have it was still hard for him to make a decision. Some of my friends said that he might use it as a reason to get rid of me. But why? He can just say no to me and I’ll be alright. I’ll walk away because I do have my pride you know. But if he trying to get rid of me by saying all those things it will makes me think twice to do that because I would definitely think that he is a victims of her mother request too. That would be my thinking at the first place. For sure, there were so many questions left inside of me that most of it doesn’t have the answer. I keep on asking what’s wrong with his mother. I mean he is 23 years old. Why is it so hurry for her mother to have a daughter in-law? Why? But most of the question mark is goes to him. He said he loves me but why is it so hard for him to make a choice after all? I try to let it go but it seems to me pretty hard to do so. He didn’t even contact me since last 24 hours I didn’t make contact with him. Isn’t that meaning something? This is so mean to me. Last night, I suddenly think of my ex Peter. I drop her few messages because I thought that would make me feels better and not to think of him. Well, me and Peter, we still friends. A very good friend. But I don’t know what going to be happens tonight because last night he asking me to hang out with him tonight. I’m going to say yes if that can make me get my head out of Lawrence. I would do anything to forget him.

i really really really hate myself for loving you....as much as u might hate me right now you cant even hate me more than i hate myself FOR LOVING YOU!!!!!!!! God please help me :(

i hAtE yOuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!! !!1

No matter what you say about love, I keep coming back for more, Keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later I get what I'm asking for no matter what you say about life, I learn every time I bleed the truth is a stranger soul is in danger I gotta let my spirit be free to.. admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind (Chorus) I can't waste time so give it a moment I realize nothing's broken No need to worry bout everything I done live every second like it was my last one don't look back got a new direction I loved you once needed protection you're still a part of everything I do you're on my heart just like a tattoo just like a tattoo I'll always have you I'll always have you I'll always have you I'm sick of playing all of these games Its not bout taking sides when I looked in the mirror, it didn't deliver, it hurt enough to think that I could stop admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind sorry but I got to be strong and leave you behind I can't waste time so give it a moment I realize nothing's broken no need to worry bout everything I done live every second like it was my last one don't look back got a new direction I love you once needed protection you're still a part of everything I do you're on my heart just like a tattoo just like a tattoo I'll always have you I'll always have you I'll always have you if I live every moment, won't change any moment, there's still a part of me in u I will never regret you still the memory of you marks everything I do. oooh.. I can't waste time so give it a moment I realize nothing's broken no need to worry bout everything I done live every second like it was my last one don't look back got a new direction I loved you once needed protection you're still a part of everything I do you're in my heart just like a tattoo just like a tattoo I'll Always have you..

shit...so much to tell but dunno where to start...

for years ive been visiting tblog..reading all those stuffs over here...& dunno why today ive become a member...i guess its time for me to let everytings out from my head...........